Stefany Shaheen

I would like to dedicate this post to Mother’s everywhere.  I would especially like to acknowledge my own mother and the other women (you know who you are) in my life for providing a multitude of models for motherhood and teaching me about this one defining relationship.  These dynamic, loving, compassionate, driven, dedicated, hardworking, selfless women have each helped me become the mother I am to my children today.

On this Mother’s Day, I would also like to celebrate the strength and determination mothering a child with type 1-diabetes demands.  I learned to love ferociously the day I became a mother.  At that time, I never imagined the depths of a mother’s worry or the concern that comes from caring for a child who is living with this chronic, complex and relentless diagnosis.  Here’s to mothers who have more sleepless nights than most, who keep calculators on their kitchen counters, always have candy on their person and have learned how to be continuous glucose monitors.

I have been a mother for nearly eleven years.  In this time, I have often pondered the existence of our fabled mother’s intuition.  Is it intuition that guides decisions like whether or not to schedule a doctor’s appointment for the could-be ear infection?  Or maybe it is intuition that stops a wrestling match just before “somebody gets hurt”?  It must be my maternal instincts guiding conversations about fifth grade boys or answering questions like how space and heaven can both fit in the sky?  Trusting your instincts and following your intuition both require a commitment to listening carefully and going with your gut regardless.

As if decoding and knowing when to trust my mother’s intuition has not been disorienting enough over the years, along came diabetes.  Diabetes comes complete with continual and almost immediate feedback.  Every time my first-born eats anything with carbohydrates, she must calculate insulin required to treat her changing blood sugar levels.  Signs and symptoms of high or low blood sugars are also present more frequently than we would like to admit.  For Elle, high blood sugars are accompanied by the grumpies, a pale complexion and fatigue.  Low blood sugars also come with a pale complexion, the jitteries and some sweating.  These complicating factors have a tendency to put my maternal instincts into overdrive.

Spring’s arrival has meant some travel and more time away from my children than is customary.   When my mother’s intuition is working in overdrive it becomes impossible to distinguish between a premonition and pure paranoia.  For example, on a recent trip away from my family, I had a premonition that Elle was experiencing a low blood sugar.  As it turns out, she was on a hike and happened to have a low blood sugar at the time I was incessantly trying to reach her and my husband by phone.  Keep in mind that it is not unusual for a low blood sugar to occur as a result of physical exertion from the first hike of this season.  I am also acutely aware of the circumstances that could result in a high or low blood sugar and already tend to be on heightened alert when those dynamics are present.  Statistically the odds of realizing a premonition are in my favor given the number of times Elle experiences a low or high blood sugar in any week.

I am rational, pragmatic and analytical enough to know that I have the benefit or curse of more often than not being able to predict how certain activities and events will impact Elle’s blood sugars.  The unfortunate reality is that this can create a sense of paranoia especially when my fears are already heighten thanks to separation.  As the sorority of mothers with diabetic children can attest, it is impossible to plan for every situation.  This leaves me lying awake at night worrying about things like how to help Elle prepare for upcoming environmental camp.  As prepared as everyone will be for working with Elle to tackle the complexities of eating and sleeping away from home, I know all too well that while we are apart the battle between premonition and paranoia will rage.